So....

I actually did well on my Evolution and Spanish (test and quiz, respectively) exams last week.

I have to get prepared for Cultures Exam on Wednesday.

Well, I have to reread the PowerPoints.

As most days, today is better than yesterday.

Yesterday, a friend gave me a hug.

He might have saved my life.

It's amazing what one act of kindness can do for a person.

Because I was at the edge of my rope and about to let go. And a simple hug from a friend helped me hold on.

Wow.

Anyway, the temperature is continually dropping here. I love it! No more sweating like a hog while walking to the places I need to be.

Speaking of which, I have decided to eliminate pork from my diet again, so that I can clear my arteries, and be able to run in Aiken.

I have decided to lose all of my extra weight, which means I will never have kids, because once I get my figure, I will not be sacraficing it, ever....

I'm just saying...

Anyway, my next class is my African Diaspora Class. Interestingly, this is just like my Rhetoric class, where I never read, except that, I learned a lot more in Rhetoric. Maybe it's the way it's structured or something, because like Rhetoric, there is plenty of information. I'm just not reading it. When I go to class, I am taking notes though, so that is what is pushing me over...


Okay. I just thought about how my country grown parents are going to act to this news of me eliminating pork out of my diet yet again. The first time they were kinda supportive...They got me turkey bacon and sausage, but continued to season all beans with a pork substances, which caused my last relapse. I had been without pork about two years when it happened.

I was starving, with only noodles in my house. So I traveled to see my folks, because I knew that they would have food.

They did. Neckbones, beans and rice.

That was in Nov. 08. I haven't stopped eating pork since. It took awhile for the effects to show up, but I am walking slower, and my breathing has gotten heavier, but now, since I live with my parents, yet again, I am eating steadily.

It's funny. To look at me, you would never know I missed a lot of meals last year. In fact, you probably wouldn't have guessed it. In fact when you look at me, you'd swear that I needed to miss more meals.

I am living with my parents again. That was the reason for the I NEED A JOB post, because I moved out when I was 19. Can you imagine the horror of moving back in at 22?

Yeah, it's that bad.

Well, I am looking forward to graduation. Hopefully, I will see friends and family that I haven't seen in a while, but if not, no worries. I just hope that if they fail this time that they don't expect an invite to the medical school graduation. Because they will NOT get it. Seriously, I am tired of being hurt by my family.


I believe with all my heart, mind, and soul that I will get there.

Just have to put the motion with the notion.


Peace
Bumble

I feel better after that previous post. I needed to get things off my chest. Sometimes, it can aid the situation and make it better.

I also read my blogs, and noticed that I am something of importance, even if it is only to myself--I am intelligent. I am worthwhile. I just need to find some way to make people read my blog....


Well,

Peace
Bumble.

Fears Actualized

I feared that with all my might I would become a product of the environment that I grew up in.

Sadly, I did.

I have bad credit. Seriously bad credit. And I don't know where to begin to fix it.

The strange part about it, since I was sixteen, I have never been without a job for more than two months.

And now I am working a full time and a part time, just to make ends meet. Did I mention that I am college student taking 18 credit hours?

I swore to myself that I wouldn't be that person who couldn't pay their bills.

But I am that person.

I don't know what to do.

In addition to that, I am still lonely. I feel like there is no one that I can talk to about who Bea really is.

No one.

I feel like I am drowning in a sea, with no hope for rescue. And I can't even take out a credit card to see a psychologist--I have horrible credit and no health insurance.

The best part about it is, I am writing in oblivion, because no one reads my blog.

Crap. I am not even interesting on the internet.

I want to yell, scream out, someone help me. But I can't. No one loves me that much. I feel like I am trapped in a bubble of stress, fatigue, and worry, and I have no one, to help me make sense of this mess.

I am in desperate need of help. I just want to end it all--the pain, the anxiety, the worry, the guilt, the everything.

How am I supposed to continue living when it feels like my life has come to an abrupt stop, but I am still moving?

How can I continue to hold on, when I have been holding on my entire life?

When is it supposed to get better?

When does grief end?

Bumble.

So back to random posting

I will start my new job Monday. So I will not be able to post regularly, because I will be working seven days a week.

Yup. Got to make sure that I don't work while at USC AIKEN.

That's it!

Ugh!

So today, I had the pleasure of listening to two upper middle class brats discuss how lucky they are to graduate without debt, and how their parents take care of everything.

So no need to tell you how I am feeling right?

Desire

Lately my desire for love has over powered me and turned into something dreadful: lust. My sex drive is in over drive and I feel like a pubescent thirteen year old who has just discovered their sexual emotions. What makes this so difficult is that I have been celibate for almost two years now, and prior to my last episode, four.

I am not a person to say sex is overrated. If it was, there would not be so many accidents, or unplanned children.

*sigh* Lawd, what is a girl to do when she can't do the do!

I gotta make it.