How can this feeling Be Real?

I am trying so hard to push past this hollow feeling...give it all up and trust in God. I've been reading for the past two days non stop because I don't want to think about my situation. I have always been a take charge kinda gal, and it is one of the hardest thing I've ever done.

The problem is, the moment I start reading, my situation pops in my mind. I get scared, and I feel like the weight of the world rests on my shoulders. I begin to hurt so badly.

Sometimes I have a hard time believing that a God who loves me could put me through this kind of pain.

I don't understand what I did to deserve this.

I am aware that uncomfortable situations are a significant part of growth, but it seems to me that my life has been a rollercoaster of pain, sorrow, fear, tension, self-doubt, self-pity, self-loathing, and no self confidence with few fleeting moments of joy.

I do my best to hold on to those moments, the moments where God showed up and showed out in a mighty way.

But its hard to keep those moments in mind when life continuously refuses to offer you solace.

I am so tired.

I mean beyond tired.

I'm struggling more and more to hold on.

I'm trying so hard to trust him.

Peace and Blessings
Bumble.

ONE OF THEM DAYS....

...Where nothing seems to work out right. I swear, I want to slap everybody! And the worst part of it all is that I'm still in the midst of my trial. I am so flustered right now, all I can do is pray that I don't do anything stupid.

I'm hurting so bad right now. I feel like if I drove off a cliff, I would be in less pain. I'm hurting so bad right now that it hurts to cry. You know how hard it is to be in pain and can't cry? And to think there are people in this world going through much worse than I. I can't understand how they deal with it outside of God.

Right now, dark thoughts are rising in my mind, and I am so close to acting them out, it's not even funny. I am completely broken now. Nothing much else I can do but get it over with.

I'm so ready give up. I'm tired of hurting. Tired of pain. Tired of people treating me like excrement. I'm so sick of living I don't know what to do....

Well I got some ideas, but they aren't good.

I'm being honest.

Peace and Blessings,

Bumble.

Hi: I'm Bumble, and I May Be...

...a hot mess. Today when I was sitting in Chemistry, the strangest thing occurred. My "emotions" went uber crazy.

Now anyone who knows me, knows that I admit to being celibate. But it has been one of the greatest struggles of my Christian walk.

Lord knows, I do not want to go to hell because I couldn't control my urges.

I'm thinking about seeing a counselor, because prayer hasn't been very effective for me, at least in this area... and each time, I feel that I am a step closer than I was to falling back into old habits--the "friends" routine.

Don't get it twisted. I wasn't promiscous having multiple random "friends".

But something is very wrong with me.

I'm honestly thinking of talking to a counselor....

WHAT DO I DO?