Hello out there.
I am writing today because I figured it was time for updates, you know since it's been five months since I've last written.
First, I got a new job in June, and I'm still working there. I am an entry processor for DHL, and although it has been interesting learning, I still have a ways to go. I kind of like it, but I don't know about for long term. I'm still deciding what to do with my life honestly, so it could go either way.
I now own an iPad...which maybe good news, or I might be turning into a mindless drone...here's hoping that I'm not...
Still no active relationship...though I've tried...ended pretty badly.
I would like to think that I've made some new friends, but I don't know. It is difficult for me to let people get close, as so many have let me down. I like to think of myself as courageous but honestly, I am also very cautious. I don't like to be hurt, so I actively avoid pain. (So maybe I am a reckless coward or a cautious brave person?)
Speaking of which, someone, who I thought knew me, who I had let in, hurt me recently. The messed up part? I didn't know how much I'd let her in until I was sitting there with my face cracked and my heart broken from the blow she'd dealt me. In addition, the person who hurt me was my best friend, and I discovered two important things about her: 1) she didn't know me, and most importantly 3) she really didn't know me.
I mean she was supposed to be my person, yet a few days later, she'd actually thought that I had made a comment about her on Facebook. Me who guards her privacy to a degree that I tell people little stuff about me so that they don't realize that they don't ever actually get to the big stuff. I hide myself from people so that they don't realize that they don't know me. Me, who gives stuff to people because it is way easier than giving myself. (That is not to say that I'm not a genuine giver, but people who can be distracted by things, justifies my need for caution.) I would never put my business on Facebook for one (which is kind of ironic given this blog, but notice that there is no real detail ;) ), and for two, I am a direct female. If I have an issue with you--Facebook, he/she said, etc, is not the route I go. I go directly to the source of my issue. Yet she thought that I would bring her out on Facebook.
I've told her things that I have never told anyone else, except for my sister. I trusted my dreams, the essence of who I am with her, thinking that she was the person God sent to me to be my guard, sister not of blood. With her I didn't hide, and she doesn't know me. That cut me more than I can say. She said it was because I wasn't communicating with her. Dude, you broke my heart. How am I supposed to communicate that?
Honestly though, I forgave her, whether she believes I did or didn't is on her. But she doesn't really know who I am. Her former sister in law, who has known me a significantly less amount of time than she has, knows me better than she. This person, who I know all of her quirks, including the name of her childhood teddy bear doesn't know me.
I'm numb. Not only because of that situation, but because my mother said something to me that she could never take back. As I mentioned, I don't really have anyone to talk to, just to get it off my chest with. I mean I could talk to my sister, but she would want to ask questions and provide advice, which is not what I need. So today I blog because the pain has to come out somehow, and I can't really express it any other way. It fraking hurts, and truthfully, everyday the load gets lighter, but it is still heavy.
I've forgiven them both. I'm trying to erase it from my mind, but it has to be exercised somehow. I need to free myself somehow before I do something, or say something really stupid. Because in spite of everything done and said, I don't want to hurt them. I don't want them to feel the pain I currently feel right now. So I am silent, because I don't trust myself not to lash out on them. I am silent, because I am still human, a person who is hurting, who is in danger of hurting people she loves. I am silent, because if I breathe a word of my real pain, it will unleash pains past and present.
So, silent, because it is not only easier but necessary.
Anyway, that's pretty much it.
Bea
