Identity

This is not a holistic definition of who I am, but it is a good start.

It was an assignment for my Anthropology 580 class.

Decided to post because it is a part of me.

I identify myself as a Black female. I am a Christian. My highest level of education is a high school diploma, as I am pursuing an undergraduate degree. I consider my political background to be Independent, but I tend to lean toward conservative—both sides are too extreme for me, and I find that I value characteristics from both sides. I have two brothers, both a generation older than me, and a younger sister, who is also an undergraduate student pursuing a degree in History, concentration on Africana Studies. Both of my brothers are close to forty—the oldest one is thirty nine and the youngest one is thirty eight. I am next, at twenty two, followed by my sister who is twenty one.

When I first arrived to USC, after transferring from the great Bethune-Cookman College, I was not only nervous, but reluctant. I am not absolutely Afrocentric, but I do appreciate some to the values that I gained from going to a mostly Black institution. I came home to help my parents support themselves, leaving a full academic scholarship behind, that I knew that I had to go to summer school to keep. To me, helping my family was more important than graduating without debt. As I was transferring here, I believed that I would lose a lot of the identity that I had spent my first year of college building. The deep-seated character that I developed while I was struggling working, while earning a degree at B-CC. The understanding that the world did not look like B-CC—where black students could be students without the emphasis of being Black students. I gained drive and passion and I applied towards earning my degree; no one else could earn it for me, and I was now responsible for myself. However, USC did change me and it was not as bad as I initially thought. Through my tenure at this university, I have appreciated me as a black woman more, and I am now in a degree program that was not offered at my other school, Anthropology. I have learned about many different programs and opportunities that I may not have discovered at the significantly smaller institution.

My biggest worry when I transferred to USC was that some of my professors would view my intellectual capabilities through my color. Some of my professors thought that I could not perform on level because I often came to class not as alert as my other classmates. I did not help matters much because I was working more than one job, and might have come off as lazy to my professors—but I was tired. Often times I would take 18 credit hours because I know that I can be lazy—I can be stubborn also, so I knew that I would have to push myself harder than they ever could. Sometimes it paid off tremendously, and other times it hurt me more than it helped. Additionally, when we did those introduction classes, where we had to tell what high school we came from if we graduated from a school in the state, I often saw students and professors cringe when I told them that I graduated from C. A. Johnson. Admittedly, there are times when I just did not understand a subject; like in my English Grammar class. It focused on grammar rules that I did not learn in high school—but it still did not stop me from giving my best effort. Sometimes, your best simply is not good enough.

Compared to my black peers, I am significantly different. I do not always follow the black fashion trends or listen to the black music trends. Recently, I have completely stopped listening to current rap music. It was extremely difficult to do, considering my love of all music, but the music itself is too self depreciating. I cannot, as a black woman, continue to endorse such terms as the “b-word” or the more commonly known term for a commercial sex worker. Ironically, I cannot separate myself from that image of hip-hop/rap culture, because it has been engrained in me since I was born. I was born when it was hip-hop/rap was on an incline, climbing and becoming better with each song. So much of it, is who I am. Not to mention when I moved to Columbia from Smithfield, NC, moving from a rural area to a much more urban area, it became more of who I was. I love Rock and Alternative music culture and fit pretty well within the Emo culture. Jazz is a staple in my life, especially when it’s Miles D. Davis and John Coltrane. In addition, I love the NeoSoul movement so that makes me more unfit to mainstream culture. Obviously, I do not fit in well with the other peers, because I am too entrenched in Black culture, yet I don’t fit in well with Black culture because I am too entrenched with the other. I am a walking paradox.

I NEED A JOB

Realistically, I am not going to find some wealthy person to finance my education. And the current job, as much as I hate it, needs to work me more, because I need the money...

I need to be saving. Period. Saving for when I travel to USC Aiken.

Saving for unexpected expenses.

Saving so that I can get something someday....

NEED A {another} JOB!!!!

Today.

So, I finished my exams, I am ubertired, but I am blogging because I have been slacking...

But I really don't have anything to talk about.

There are world crises, but I can't blog about them either.

I am so tired of feeling my emotions. So tired of feeling pain.

But it's necessary. For everyone like me, there is someone to speak up for someone who is currently lacking the ability to speak for themselves. For every moment that I am selfish, someone suffers unjustly. Every time that I don't speak up for the speechless person, I am making not only them suffer, but also the people attempting to hold on to faith.

When you think about it, does it really pay to be selfish?

Just random thoughts.

So Sorry

I know I stated that I would post daily, but I forgot to account for my exams....

So for the last past two days I have been a walking memorizer....

Excited about Grey's....

Back to studying...

Hopefully I can post something thought provoking....

But it's not like anyone reads this anyway...

So, it wasn't what I thought it was

I was overreacting. But the important thing is I got closure, I think. But I can move on, hopefully. Had some realizations after I talking with a friend. He had some good points, but after I thought about it, I realized that my deepest desire shouldn't be to find my soul mate, but to find and desire God.

That is all.

Sadness

Women are emotional creatures. For the millionth time in my life I find myself hating Eve. Damn her for eating the fruit!

I miss my friend. But I guess that we will never be where we were. I hope one day that they forgive me. I know she's busy. I wish her great luck and success and pray for her.

I think that my ex took more out of me than I thought. I can't, won't accept any date offers ( or maybe they are just unacceptable). *sigh*

Seems like I have always tried so hard to fit in to places where I guess I don't belong. Maybe someone could love me and my many flaws.

Or maybe I should just get over myself.


Just got off of work, and hella sleepy, so goodnight..

25 Things about Me

1. I am a music lover. Everyone who knows me knows that. My parents gave me that gift.
2. I am a serious Outkast fan. I have all of their albums, even one that wasn’t released mainstream.
3. I read a lot. What else can I say about that?
4. I am really introverted. People only know the Bea that I want them to know. Only the people in the top five really know me.
5. I am loyal to a fault. I am true to people even when they do me dirty. I want to be able to turn it off, but you’d have to do something pretty drastic (or the same thing a million times) for me to hate you. But once I call you friend…. There are people on this list I would go to jail for and I haven’t had a real conversation with them for years.
6. I love to smell good. I won’t spend more than $50 for any article of clothing, but I have been known to drop $65, even $95 for perfume.
7. I hate: liars, cheaters, and fake people. These people only care about themselves. Even killers care about other people…
8. Cheesecake or pecan swirls--if you want anything from me, you can bribe me with those.
9. I seriously love blueberries. I would kill for a blueberry pop tart right now.
10. Contrary to popular belief, I am not really Afrocentric. I mean Africa is great and all, but that isn’t the reason I went bald (lol). I went natural because I wanted to be happy with who I was just the way God made me.
11. When I am criticized, it doesn’t affect me but only for a little while…because the harshest critic I have is myself.
12. If I had a billion dollars, there 5 people that would never work again. But everyone else I know would probably get a gift.
13. I write poetry not because I am Afrocentric, but because I am really good at writing.
14. I am the lightest, tallest, and heaviest of all my siblings. I also have more tattoos and piercings than they do. And more CDs…lol…
15. My desire to succeed is not my own, it came directly from God.
16. I love fashion…and I am the least fashionable person I know. I mean I don’t fit inside that world, but I do follow fashion news and different fashions.
17. I dress like a boy sometimes because their clothes are cheaper.
18. People say I mean mug a lot. I don’t have real drama in my life (other than family generated). My face is a bullshit deflector.
19. I have four tattoos and I had nine piercings. I’m done with piercings, (only five remain) but I still have six tattoos to go.
20. I secretly love country music…I am ashamed of that for some reason. I haven’t figured it out yet.
21. I am weird, but not too weird. To love me is to love me!
22. I love thinking, swimming, big dark skinned men, and Grey’s Anatomy in no particular order.
23. My baby sister is the only person close to knowing everything about me.
24. I can easily feel the pain that other people feel. When we were little, I couldn’t stay in the house when my little sister got whippings, because it would be like getting beat twice or getting beat for something I didn’t do.
25. I love Mickey Mouse.

So, Welcome

I decided to create this blog because no one, really reads my other one. I guess that means that I am socially awkward or something...*shrugs*

This one is to let people know my feelings, since the other one was really created for music....

But I will be able to update on my emotions daily.

You are welcome.

Requiem,
Socially Irrelevant