Fears Actualized Pt. 2

As graduation quickly approaches, I worry. I still have to pass the failed parts of the Spanish Exam. With my Spanish exam, it's either pass or fail, no in between. Even though I got a B in the class, if I fail the exam a second time, I will not graduate.

I know that I am an intelligent individual, but I can't focus. I try so hard, but I am so easily distracted. Focusing is more difficult than trying to catch a fish with my bare hands with no experience. Worst of all, I suffer from testing anxiety.

I am so fearful of my future at this moment. I can tell no one. They wouldn't understand. I am currently surrounded by my parents. They can only tell me about themselves or God, without giving practical advice. God does resolve all, but there are some things that you have to do for yourself. James 2:17 states Even so faith, if it hath not works, is dead, being alone. Now, I did have to look it up, but the point is, if you believe and you are not putting in work, it will not work.

I know that I am putting in the works. So could it be my faith?

My faith has been on the rocks lately. I am having a hard time understanding why God could allow people who are trying to suffer. Maybe I am not trying hard enough. But why can't he just speak to me and tell me so?

Again, I am not asking for a Saul like intervention (Saul the persecutor, not the King), but I need to know that you know I know you God. How am I to trust so blindly if I can't hear you?

Don't misinterpret these questions, because I know God exists. Jesus exists too. This isn't a question of my beliefs, but my individual faith... this isn't a post that is about God bashing, but it is an attempt to understand God and why his plan isn't evident, or even known. Maybe my problem is trying such a vast God that the human mind can't comprehend. But is a sign too much to ask for? Is confirmation and recognition that I am indeed your child too much to ask? I have troubled days, and I am feeling like I am walking alone.

I am reminded of Footprints, but I don't feel like God is carrying me, I feel like I am carrying the load all by myself. He promised he would never leave me. But why is it that I constantly feel alone?

Peace and Blessings.
Bea