It's been a while. I have been knocked down quite a few times, and honestly, I'm not sure I can come up swinging anymore. I am simply tired. And I don't know if I have a right to be. People before me have had it harder, yet I am failing, while people think that I am successful. I do not see it that way though, because I am not where I want to be, and I am not sure that I will get to where I want to be.
In other news, I have begun writing again, but it is simply out of frustration and desperation. I am on the very last thread of hope before I give up...pretty much everything. I never expected life to be easy. A person with my background knows better. But I never imagined it would be this hard. I'm not on some woe is me kick though, simply because whiners, including when it is myself, get on my nerves. I am just going to accept things as they are and hanker down. That's pretty much all I've got left to give.
My sister told me recently that she says things to deliberately hurt people. While I am no saint, I wonder what it is that I have done that could have hurt her so badly. Because she is seriously killing what little confidence that I have left. I apologize. That was whining. Again.
Well anyway, I am trying to find two jobs. I have a life time goal that is simple for so many, but for various reasons, will be complicated for me--owning a home. I just want a space that I can call my own, that no one can take from me. A place where I can paint and build to my specifications. A place that is a space uniquely for Bea. That is what my next goals are. That and figuring out how to repay this student debt that is looming over me as if I am a pig on a butcher's chopping block. But I won't count my woes until they hatch, so to speak.
I have a five year plan, that I made more than a year ago. And I am already behind. I have to work it out though, find a way to curb my impulses, and just work it all out.
Any way, that is it. I am still alive, and some days, that is a major accomplishment. That I simply made it until the end of the day.
Until next time (but I never know when)...
Peace and blessings
Bea
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