We'd like to think that we are superior beings; that we uphold moral fiber, and are wonderful people with upstanding character. Truth be told, we are quite opposite--everyday is a fight to mask the darkness inside us; each time we successfully continue to hide what is buried deep within us, we discover there are more bones in our proverbial closet, making us discover new ways to put on masks and new ways to hide the bones, furthering our facades. In reality, it makes us all fake--we fear being discovered--we do not want any one to discover just how sick we are...
What we fear most is judgment passed on us--our real selves are carnal in nature, and have twisted thoughts and sick desires; we become who we portray ourselves to be--successfully becoming skilled actors and actresses. The most sane among us are the insane--for they have removed their masks and have revealed their true selves, sacrificing normal lives because they couldn't contain their carnal desires. In fact, sanity is the ability to repress carnality; the ability to appear normal amongst society. However, if the truth were told, normal has always been relative to ones ability to mask what has been long hidden within them.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Monday, December 21, 2009
The Gullah-Afro Rembrandt
The Gullah-Afro Rembrandt
Still images capture the Gullah culture.
Never seen it so beautiful
Except—
On the faces of the Gullah and Geechee people.
You capture the island and its splendor.
Calm island beauty in the summertime.
I can hear the souls calling—
the spirits of the island sounds spiritual
A low moan, a hum.
Rugged paths tell the story of those who traveled here.
They remain in the sea misted cites.
Still images capture the Gullah culture.
Never seen it so beautiful
Except—
On the faces of the Gullah and Geechee people.
You capture the island and its splendor.
Calm island beauty in the summertime.
I can hear the souls calling—
the spirits of the island sounds spiritual
A low moan, a hum.
Rugged paths tell the story of those who traveled here.
They remain in the sea misted cites.
Life After Death, Micro, NC
Life After Death
Micro, NC
I held your shirt and smelled your Hugo Boss cologne,
I nestled in your nook; rolled up where you slept.
Just like when I was a baby, I wrapped in your shirt, so I could sleep.
The next morning, I lay in your spot red-eyed.
I watched my sister sleep peacefully.
Her snore sounded like a quieter version of yours.
I looked at your beloved trading card binder.
It was empty.
Micro, NC
I held your shirt and smelled your Hugo Boss cologne,
I nestled in your nook; rolled up where you slept.
Just like when I was a baby, I wrapped in your shirt, so I could sleep.
The next morning, I lay in your spot red-eyed.
I watched my sister sleep peacefully.
Her snore sounded like a quieter version of yours.
I looked at your beloved trading card binder.
It was empty.
Lasting Memories
Lasting Memories
At the funeral parlor, the director warned us
not to go see my father before he was cremated.
I pictured his body on a cold cot, alone.
His body had swollen,
his nose was broken,
and his face was twisted.
I saw his massive body become gargantuan.
I saw the pieces of his nose—jagged and bloody—
I saw the skin hang off the center of his face—
while sitting in the chair
surrounded by my family.
At the funeral parlor, the director warned us
not to go see my father before he was cremated.
I pictured his body on a cold cot, alone.
His body had swollen,
his nose was broken,
and his face was twisted.
I saw his massive body become gargantuan.
I saw the pieces of his nose—jagged and bloody—
I saw the skin hang off the center of his face—
while sitting in the chair
surrounded by my family.
It's Days Like Today That Makes Me Question My Sanity
I thought I had my future mapped out. This perfect plan on how I was to become Dr. Beatrice Pate MD. The future has arrived and I am no closer to that goal than I was when I graduated high school.
I now have two degrees I will not use, and on top of that I have to figure out how I am going to pay for these classes, then the GRE, and finally if everything happens to work out, the MCAT.
I have failed so many times, honestly, I don't know if I can pick myself up from this one. I have fought so hard, that I don't remember a time that I haven't been fighting.
Yet I feel like my struggle is minor compared to others--I feel like I shouldn't even be complaining.
It's an awful thing to feel conflicted--I am conflicted often....
Sometimes I cannot find the words to explain how I feel. Even if I could, there is no one near me that will actually listen. You know, they won't take the time to hear me, or will not pass judgment or tell me about their problems.
Can anybody hear me? No?
Well I guess that I will keep writing into oblivion.
I now have two degrees I will not use, and on top of that I have to figure out how I am going to pay for these classes, then the GRE, and finally if everything happens to work out, the MCAT.
I have failed so many times, honestly, I don't know if I can pick myself up from this one. I have fought so hard, that I don't remember a time that I haven't been fighting.
Yet I feel like my struggle is minor compared to others--I feel like I shouldn't even be complaining.
It's an awful thing to feel conflicted--I am conflicted often....
Sometimes I cannot find the words to explain how I feel. Even if I could, there is no one near me that will actually listen. You know, they won't take the time to hear me, or will not pass judgment or tell me about their problems.
Can anybody hear me? No?
Well I guess that I will keep writing into oblivion.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Fears Actualized Pt. 3
So I may not go to graduate school because USC Aiken is playing around with my money for my 3rd degree.
Let me clarify.
I want to be a doctor. But because of various situations going on during my undergraduate career, I put off taking my science classes, because I didn't want to lower my GPA. In addition, in order to get into medical school, I have to go to graduate school for Biology to prove that I can handle graduate school science work. In order to go to Grad school, I first prove that I am capable of handling undergrad science.
See where this is going?
My hope is to enroll at Midlands...that is my backup plan in case Aiken doesn't come through like it is supposed to...
Crap...my future is hinging on this moment right here...
I wish I had rich relatives or someone to care for me so that this wouldn't be my concern....
But it is...
Just gotta have faith that everything will work out...that and putting action toward it...
Peace and Blessings.
Let me clarify.
I want to be a doctor. But because of various situations going on during my undergraduate career, I put off taking my science classes, because I didn't want to lower my GPA. In addition, in order to get into medical school, I have to go to graduate school for Biology to prove that I can handle graduate school science work. In order to go to Grad school, I first prove that I am capable of handling undergrad science.
See where this is going?
My hope is to enroll at Midlands...that is my backup plan in case Aiken doesn't come through like it is supposed to...
Crap...my future is hinging on this moment right here...
I wish I had rich relatives or someone to care for me so that this wouldn't be my concern....
But it is...
Just gotta have faith that everything will work out...that and putting action toward it...
Peace and Blessings.
Simple Things
simple things
Every April Fool’s Day, my daddy’s youngest sister did something to fool us—
when I was eight, living in D.C. she told us we had no school
I was suspicious. I kept asking her
“You for real?” Yup, she assured me. “Don’t play Dot-Dot.”
“We got school?” Nope, she replied, and we jumped for joy
only for her to tell us “April Fool’s!”
when I was eleven, back home in N.C.
she told us that she’d won a million dollars
and she was sending us five hundred a piece
In 2003, shrieks from my sister and
the thud from the phone let me
know that not much had changed during the holiday.
Caller ID said Dorothy Ray. Dot-Dot.
she’d asked for an adult, but Charity assured her that no one was home.
smiling, she probably figured that Dot-Dot never missed this holiday.
But Dot-Dot insisted.
So did Charity.
Dot-Dot explained that she found daddy in his house, in a pool of his own blood.
As my sister cried, I figured it could not be what I felt it to be.
“Daddy dddd-ied” Charity sputtered through tears.
As my mother walked in she asked
What’s wrong baby?
My body too heavy to stand,
my head hit the table.
Every April Fool’s Day, my daddy’s youngest sister did something to fool us—
when I was eight, living in D.C. she told us we had no school
I was suspicious. I kept asking her
“You for real?” Yup, she assured me. “Don’t play Dot-Dot.”
“We got school?” Nope, she replied, and we jumped for joy
only for her to tell us “April Fool’s!”
when I was eleven, back home in N.C.
she told us that she’d won a million dollars
and she was sending us five hundred a piece
In 2003, shrieks from my sister and
the thud from the phone let me
know that not much had changed during the holiday.
Caller ID said Dorothy Ray. Dot-Dot.
she’d asked for an adult, but Charity assured her that no one was home.
smiling, she probably figured that Dot-Dot never missed this holiday.
But Dot-Dot insisted.
So did Charity.
Dot-Dot explained that she found daddy in his house, in a pool of his own blood.
As my sister cried, I figured it could not be what I felt it to be.
“Daddy dddd-ied” Charity sputtered through tears.
As my mother walked in she asked
What’s wrong baby?
My body too heavy to stand,
my head hit the table.
To All My Sisters Who Don't Wear Weaves
To All My Sisters
who don’t wear weaves
Inspired By Gwendolyn Brooks's To All My Sisters Who Have Kept their Naturals
Sisters who love themselves so much
that they will not perpetuate an image.
They will not push false versions of themselves.
They know beauty comes from within
and are strong
know true love
and stand tall
short hair and all
divas with caesar cut waves
bold with curled bobs
wrapped around their crown
They rock their hair their way.
they don’t buy any hair from a horse
or a corpse
They don’t see Jolie as themselves to be
Nor do they mimic ideas of society.
If they don’t have it to swing
They rock their own—go on Ms. Thing!
No imitations here
(everyone knows it’s not theirs)
[but I paid for it, so it’s mine!]
No claims of Indian ancestry—
[you know I got Indian in my family]
(really? what tribe?)
[Cherokee]
—just beauty for all to see.
who don’t wear weaves
Inspired By Gwendolyn Brooks's To All My Sisters Who Have Kept their Naturals
Sisters who love themselves so much
that they will not perpetuate an image.
They will not push false versions of themselves.
They know beauty comes from within
and are strong
know true love
and stand tall
short hair and all
divas with caesar cut waves
bold with curled bobs
wrapped around their crown
They rock their hair their way.
they don’t buy any hair from a horse
or a corpse
They don’t see Jolie as themselves to be
Nor do they mimic ideas of society.
If they don’t have it to swing
They rock their own—go on Ms. Thing!
No imitations here
(everyone knows it’s not theirs)
[but I paid for it, so it’s mine!]
No claims of Indian ancestry—
[you know I got Indian in my family]
(really? what tribe?)
[Cherokee]
—just beauty for all to see.
The Blue Urn
The Blue Urn
A picture taken at my grandmother’s
house sat in front of a blue urn. He had
a great, wonderful smile. I sit in the
pew thinking, “How will I ever look in the
mirror again?” His image haunts me, just like
the blue urn that is his final resting
place. They found him in a pool of his own
blood. He fell forward and broke his nose,
after a massive heart attack. He survived
long enough to bleed to death. Blue, the color
of blood without oxygen to change it
to the color red. Blue, the color of
the mood at my father’s funeral. Blue, the
color of his gargantuan urn. For years
it sits in my aunt’s living room beside
my grandmother’s urn. Already haunted by
his face, which I have—I possess, when I visit,
I’m haunted by him, his presence—I can
not sleep peacefully in the house. When I
look in the mirror, I see him. When I sleep, I
see him—Permanently, I am haunted—
haunted by his face, by his blue urn, and
his last letter that ended with Vaya Con
Dios. Go with God, Daddy. Please, go with God.
A picture taken at my grandmother’s
house sat in front of a blue urn. He had
a great, wonderful smile. I sit in the
pew thinking, “How will I ever look in the
mirror again?” His image haunts me, just like
the blue urn that is his final resting
place. They found him in a pool of his own
blood. He fell forward and broke his nose,
after a massive heart attack. He survived
long enough to bleed to death. Blue, the color
of blood without oxygen to change it
to the color red. Blue, the color of
the mood at my father’s funeral. Blue, the
color of his gargantuan urn. For years
it sits in my aunt’s living room beside
my grandmother’s urn. Already haunted by
his face, which I have—I possess, when I visit,
I’m haunted by him, his presence—I can
not sleep peacefully in the house. When I
look in the mirror, I see him. When I sleep, I
see him—Permanently, I am haunted—
haunted by his face, by his blue urn, and
his last letter that ended with Vaya Con
Dios. Go with God, Daddy. Please, go with God.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
I used to believe...
...in fair chances. That hard work would get you anywhere. That my faith would carry me a long way. But faith without works is dead, and I guess that no amount of belief can change that.
I used to hope and dream--dream that my success would mean that other people would succeed too....but I've failed at so many things.
I can't handle it anymore. I can't believe that life is supposed to be this hard. Well, I don't know what to do--
I can't even think.
No one hurts you quite like family.
I used to hope and dream--dream that my success would mean that other people would succeed too....but I've failed at so many things.
I can't handle it anymore. I can't believe that life is supposed to be this hard. Well, I don't know what to do--
I can't even think.
No one hurts you quite like family.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Fears Actualized Pt. 2
As graduation quickly approaches, I worry. I still have to pass the failed parts of the Spanish Exam. With my Spanish exam, it's either pass or fail, no in between. Even though I got a B in the class, if I fail the exam a second time, I will not graduate.
I know that I am an intelligent individual, but I can't focus. I try so hard, but I am so easily distracted. Focusing is more difficult than trying to catch a fish with my bare hands with no experience. Worst of all, I suffer from testing anxiety.
I am so fearful of my future at this moment. I can tell no one. They wouldn't understand. I am currently surrounded by my parents. They can only tell me about themselves or God, without giving practical advice. God does resolve all, but there are some things that you have to do for yourself. James 2:17 states Even so faith, if it hath not works, is dead, being alone. Now, I did have to look it up, but the point is, if you believe and you are not putting in work, it will not work.
I know that I am putting in the works. So could it be my faith?
My faith has been on the rocks lately. I am having a hard time understanding why God could allow people who are trying to suffer. Maybe I am not trying hard enough. But why can't he just speak to me and tell me so?
Again, I am not asking for a Saul like intervention (Saul the persecutor, not the King), but I need to know that you know I know you God. How am I to trust so blindly if I can't hear you?
Don't misinterpret these questions, because I know God exists. Jesus exists too. This isn't a question of my beliefs, but my individual faith... this isn't a post that is about God bashing, but it is an attempt to understand God and why his plan isn't evident, or even known. Maybe my problem is trying such a vast God that the human mind can't comprehend. But is a sign too much to ask for? Is confirmation and recognition that I am indeed your child too much to ask? I have troubled days, and I am feeling like I am walking alone.
I am reminded of Footprints, but I don't feel like God is carrying me, I feel like I am carrying the load all by myself. He promised he would never leave me. But why is it that I constantly feel alone?
Peace and Blessings.
Bea
I know that I am an intelligent individual, but I can't focus. I try so hard, but I am so easily distracted. Focusing is more difficult than trying to catch a fish with my bare hands with no experience. Worst of all, I suffer from testing anxiety.
I am so fearful of my future at this moment. I can tell no one. They wouldn't understand. I am currently surrounded by my parents. They can only tell me about themselves or God, without giving practical advice. God does resolve all, but there are some things that you have to do for yourself. James 2:17 states Even so faith, if it hath not works, is dead, being alone. Now, I did have to look it up, but the point is, if you believe and you are not putting in work, it will not work.
I know that I am putting in the works. So could it be my faith?
My faith has been on the rocks lately. I am having a hard time understanding why God could allow people who are trying to suffer. Maybe I am not trying hard enough. But why can't he just speak to me and tell me so?
Again, I am not asking for a Saul like intervention (Saul the persecutor, not the King), but I need to know that you know I know you God. How am I to trust so blindly if I can't hear you?
Don't misinterpret these questions, because I know God exists. Jesus exists too. This isn't a question of my beliefs, but my individual faith... this isn't a post that is about God bashing, but it is an attempt to understand God and why his plan isn't evident, or even known. Maybe my problem is trying such a vast God that the human mind can't comprehend. But is a sign too much to ask for? Is confirmation and recognition that I am indeed your child too much to ask? I have troubled days, and I am feeling like I am walking alone.
I am reminded of Footprints, but I don't feel like God is carrying me, I feel like I am carrying the load all by myself. He promised he would never leave me. But why is it that I constantly feel alone?
Peace and Blessings.
Bea
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Has No Life
Another Saturday night, at home, trying to find something to do.
I am beginning to think no one likes me.
I am beginning to think no one likes me.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Discovering Bea-ness
I am finally ready for Aiken. Problem is, I haven't finished with Columbia yet. And with this new job, often times it is difficult to keep up. But I am managing....
I just can't afford to fail (C's) in these classes.
Interestingly, I am trying to find out things that I will research for my senior research project. I am a little frightened at this challenge.
But like other things, I will give it my best.
Anyway, I have to keep my emotions in check. There is this cutie, but I know he won't be interested.
That's it for now.
I just can't afford to fail (C's) in these classes.
Interestingly, I am trying to find out things that I will research for my senior research project. I am a little frightened at this challenge.
But like other things, I will give it my best.
Anyway, I have to keep my emotions in check. There is this cutie, but I know he won't be interested.
That's it for now.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Damn these feelings
I go through life everyday, feeling.....unloved.
So long have I desired my Prince Charming. I wish that I could be taken in the arms of my soul mate and just.....loved. I go through life feeling like there is a vital part of me missing that I need to live, breathe...to survive.
Everyday without love I feel like I am dying.
So long I have wished for the one who would make me feel beautiful....who would think that I was beautiful, no matter how I looked.
But that one hasn't come. He may never come.
Does anybody out there know how that feels?
Does anybody have a clue how it feels to feel undesired?
Am I really that unattractive?
So long have I desired my Prince Charming. I wish that I could be taken in the arms of my soul mate and just.....loved. I go through life feeling like there is a vital part of me missing that I need to live, breathe...to survive.
Everyday without love I feel like I am dying.
So long I have wished for the one who would make me feel beautiful....who would think that I was beautiful, no matter how I looked.
But that one hasn't come. He may never come.
Does anybody out there know how that feels?
Does anybody have a clue how it feels to feel undesired?
Am I really that unattractive?
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Stress and Anxiety
These two fellas have become my best friends.
I worry a lot about classes, jobs, and making ends meet. But they are not the comforting friends that peace and hope are, oh, no, they are the friends that drain everything from you and cause you to question your very soul and your existence.
They leave you high and dry and without anything. They drain you and cause you to question your sanity. They have you teeter-totter on the edges of life and death, sanity and insanity, love and hate.
Why do we insist on keeping these friends?
I worry a lot about classes, jobs, and making ends meet. But they are not the comforting friends that peace and hope are, oh, no, they are the friends that drain everything from you and cause you to question your very soul and your existence.
They leave you high and dry and without anything. They drain you and cause you to question your sanity. They have you teeter-totter on the edges of life and death, sanity and insanity, love and hate.
Why do we insist on keeping these friends?
Monday, October 26, 2009
So....
I actually did well on my Evolution and Spanish (test and quiz, respectively) exams last week.
I have to get prepared for Cultures Exam on Wednesday.
Well, I have to reread the PowerPoints.
As most days, today is better than yesterday.
Yesterday, a friend gave me a hug.
He might have saved my life.
It's amazing what one act of kindness can do for a person.
Because I was at the edge of my rope and about to let go. And a simple hug from a friend helped me hold on.
Wow.
Anyway, the temperature is continually dropping here. I love it! No more sweating like a hog while walking to the places I need to be.
Speaking of which, I have decided to eliminate pork from my diet again, so that I can clear my arteries, and be able to run in Aiken.
I have decided to lose all of my extra weight, which means I will never have kids, because once I get my figure, I will not be sacraficing it, ever....
I'm just saying...
Anyway, my next class is my African Diaspora Class. Interestingly, this is just like my Rhetoric class, where I never read, except that, I learned a lot more in Rhetoric. Maybe it's the way it's structured or something, because like Rhetoric, there is plenty of information. I'm just not reading it. When I go to class, I am taking notes though, so that is what is pushing me over...
Okay. I just thought about how my country grown parents are going to act to this news of me eliminating pork out of my diet yet again. The first time they were kinda supportive...They got me turkey bacon and sausage, but continued to season all beans with a pork substances, which caused my last relapse. I had been without pork about two years when it happened.
I was starving, with only noodles in my house. So I traveled to see my folks, because I knew that they would have food.
They did. Neckbones, beans and rice.
That was in Nov. 08. I haven't stopped eating pork since. It took awhile for the effects to show up, but I am walking slower, and my breathing has gotten heavier, but now, since I live with my parents, yet again, I am eating steadily.
It's funny. To look at me, you would never know I missed a lot of meals last year. In fact, you probably wouldn't have guessed it. In fact when you look at me, you'd swear that I needed to miss more meals.
I am living with my parents again. That was the reason for the I NEED A JOB post, because I moved out when I was 19. Can you imagine the horror of moving back in at 22?
Yeah, it's that bad.
Well, I am looking forward to graduation. Hopefully, I will see friends and family that I haven't seen in a while, but if not, no worries. I just hope that if they fail this time that they don't expect an invite to the medical school graduation. Because they will NOT get it. Seriously, I am tired of being hurt by my family.
I believe with all my heart, mind, and soul that I will get there.
Just have to put the motion with the notion.
Peace
Bumble
I have to get prepared for Cultures Exam on Wednesday.
Well, I have to reread the PowerPoints.
As most days, today is better than yesterday.
Yesterday, a friend gave me a hug.
He might have saved my life.
It's amazing what one act of kindness can do for a person.
Because I was at the edge of my rope and about to let go. And a simple hug from a friend helped me hold on.
Wow.
Anyway, the temperature is continually dropping here. I love it! No more sweating like a hog while walking to the places I need to be.
Speaking of which, I have decided to eliminate pork from my diet again, so that I can clear my arteries, and be able to run in Aiken.
I have decided to lose all of my extra weight, which means I will never have kids, because once I get my figure, I will not be sacraficing it, ever....
I'm just saying...
Anyway, my next class is my African Diaspora Class. Interestingly, this is just like my Rhetoric class, where I never read, except that, I learned a lot more in Rhetoric. Maybe it's the way it's structured or something, because like Rhetoric, there is plenty of information. I'm just not reading it. When I go to class, I am taking notes though, so that is what is pushing me over...
Okay. I just thought about how my country grown parents are going to act to this news of me eliminating pork out of my diet yet again. The first time they were kinda supportive...They got me turkey bacon and sausage, but continued to season all beans with a pork substances, which caused my last relapse. I had been without pork about two years when it happened.
I was starving, with only noodles in my house. So I traveled to see my folks, because I knew that they would have food.
They did. Neckbones, beans and rice.
That was in Nov. 08. I haven't stopped eating pork since. It took awhile for the effects to show up, but I am walking slower, and my breathing has gotten heavier, but now, since I live with my parents, yet again, I am eating steadily.
It's funny. To look at me, you would never know I missed a lot of meals last year. In fact, you probably wouldn't have guessed it. In fact when you look at me, you'd swear that I needed to miss more meals.
I am living with my parents again. That was the reason for the I NEED A JOB post, because I moved out when I was 19. Can you imagine the horror of moving back in at 22?
Yeah, it's that bad.
Well, I am looking forward to graduation. Hopefully, I will see friends and family that I haven't seen in a while, but if not, no worries. I just hope that if they fail this time that they don't expect an invite to the medical school graduation. Because they will NOT get it. Seriously, I am tired of being hurt by my family.
I believe with all my heart, mind, and soul that I will get there.
Just have to put the motion with the notion.
Peace
Bumble
Sunday, October 25, 2009
I feel better after that previous post. I needed to get things off my chest. Sometimes, it can aid the situation and make it better.
I also read my blogs, and noticed that I am something of importance, even if it is only to myself--I am intelligent. I am worthwhile. I just need to find some way to make people read my blog....
Well,
Peace
Bumble.
I also read my blogs, and noticed that I am something of importance, even if it is only to myself--I am intelligent. I am worthwhile. I just need to find some way to make people read my blog....
Well,
Peace
Bumble.
Fears Actualized
I feared that with all my might I would become a product of the environment that I grew up in.
Sadly, I did.
I have bad credit. Seriously bad credit. And I don't know where to begin to fix it.
The strange part about it, since I was sixteen, I have never been without a job for more than two months.
And now I am working a full time and a part time, just to make ends meet. Did I mention that I am college student taking 18 credit hours?
I swore to myself that I wouldn't be that person who couldn't pay their bills.
But I am that person.
I don't know what to do.
In addition to that, I am still lonely. I feel like there is no one that I can talk to about who Bea really is.
No one.
I feel like I am drowning in a sea, with no hope for rescue. And I can't even take out a credit card to see a psychologist--I have horrible credit and no health insurance.
The best part about it is, I am writing in oblivion, because no one reads my blog.
Crap. I am not even interesting on the internet.
I want to yell, scream out, someone help me. But I can't. No one loves me that much. I feel like I am trapped in a bubble of stress, fatigue, and worry, and I have no one, to help me make sense of this mess.
I am in desperate need of help. I just want to end it all--the pain, the anxiety, the worry, the guilt, the everything.
How am I supposed to continue living when it feels like my life has come to an abrupt stop, but I am still moving?
How can I continue to hold on, when I have been holding on my entire life?
When is it supposed to get better?
When does grief end?
Bumble.
Sadly, I did.
I have bad credit. Seriously bad credit. And I don't know where to begin to fix it.
The strange part about it, since I was sixteen, I have never been without a job for more than two months.
And now I am working a full time and a part time, just to make ends meet. Did I mention that I am college student taking 18 credit hours?
I swore to myself that I wouldn't be that person who couldn't pay their bills.
But I am that person.
I don't know what to do.
In addition to that, I am still lonely. I feel like there is no one that I can talk to about who Bea really is.
No one.
I feel like I am drowning in a sea, with no hope for rescue. And I can't even take out a credit card to see a psychologist--I have horrible credit and no health insurance.
The best part about it is, I am writing in oblivion, because no one reads my blog.
Crap. I am not even interesting on the internet.
I want to yell, scream out, someone help me. But I can't. No one loves me that much. I feel like I am trapped in a bubble of stress, fatigue, and worry, and I have no one, to help me make sense of this mess.
I am in desperate need of help. I just want to end it all--the pain, the anxiety, the worry, the guilt, the everything.
How am I supposed to continue living when it feels like my life has come to an abrupt stop, but I am still moving?
How can I continue to hold on, when I have been holding on my entire life?
When is it supposed to get better?
When does grief end?
Bumble.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
So back to random posting
I will start my new job Monday. So I will not be able to post regularly, because I will be working seven days a week.
Yup. Got to make sure that I don't work while at USC AIKEN.
That's it!
Yup. Got to make sure that I don't work while at USC AIKEN.
That's it!
Monday, October 5, 2009
Ugh!
So today, I had the pleasure of listening to two upper middle class brats discuss how lucky they are to graduate without debt, and how their parents take care of everything.
So no need to tell you how I am feeling right?
So no need to tell you how I am feeling right?
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Desire
Lately my desire for love has over powered me and turned into something dreadful: lust. My sex drive is in over drive and I feel like a pubescent thirteen year old who has just discovered their sexual emotions. What makes this so difficult is that I have been celibate for almost two years now, and prior to my last episode, four.
I am not a person to say sex is overrated. If it was, there would not be so many accidents, or unplanned children.
*sigh* Lawd, what is a girl to do when she can't do the do!
I gotta make it.
I am not a person to say sex is overrated. If it was, there would not be so many accidents, or unplanned children.
*sigh* Lawd, what is a girl to do when she can't do the do!
I gotta make it.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Identity
This is not a holistic definition of who I am, but it is a good start.
It was an assignment for my Anthropology 580 class.
Decided to post because it is a part of me.
I identify myself as a Black female. I am a Christian. My highest level of education is a high school diploma, as I am pursuing an undergraduate degree. I consider my political background to be Independent, but I tend to lean toward conservative—both sides are too extreme for me, and I find that I value characteristics from both sides. I have two brothers, both a generation older than me, and a younger sister, who is also an undergraduate student pursuing a degree in History, concentration on Africana Studies. Both of my brothers are close to forty—the oldest one is thirty nine and the youngest one is thirty eight. I am next, at twenty two, followed by my sister who is twenty one.
When I first arrived to USC, after transferring from the great Bethune-Cookman College, I was not only nervous, but reluctant. I am not absolutely Afrocentric, but I do appreciate some to the values that I gained from going to a mostly Black institution. I came home to help my parents support themselves, leaving a full academic scholarship behind, that I knew that I had to go to summer school to keep. To me, helping my family was more important than graduating without debt. As I was transferring here, I believed that I would lose a lot of the identity that I had spent my first year of college building. The deep-seated character that I developed while I was struggling working, while earning a degree at B-CC. The understanding that the world did not look like B-CC—where black students could be students without the emphasis of being Black students. I gained drive and passion and I applied towards earning my degree; no one else could earn it for me, and I was now responsible for myself. However, USC did change me and it was not as bad as I initially thought. Through my tenure at this university, I have appreciated me as a black woman more, and I am now in a degree program that was not offered at my other school, Anthropology. I have learned about many different programs and opportunities that I may not have discovered at the significantly smaller institution.
My biggest worry when I transferred to USC was that some of my professors would view my intellectual capabilities through my color. Some of my professors thought that I could not perform on level because I often came to class not as alert as my other classmates. I did not help matters much because I was working more than one job, and might have come off as lazy to my professors—but I was tired. Often times I would take 18 credit hours because I know that I can be lazy—I can be stubborn also, so I knew that I would have to push myself harder than they ever could. Sometimes it paid off tremendously, and other times it hurt me more than it helped. Additionally, when we did those introduction classes, where we had to tell what high school we came from if we graduated from a school in the state, I often saw students and professors cringe when I told them that I graduated from C. A. Johnson. Admittedly, there are times when I just did not understand a subject; like in my English Grammar class. It focused on grammar rules that I did not learn in high school—but it still did not stop me from giving my best effort. Sometimes, your best simply is not good enough.
Compared to my black peers, I am significantly different. I do not always follow the black fashion trends or listen to the black music trends. Recently, I have completely stopped listening to current rap music. It was extremely difficult to do, considering my love of all music, but the music itself is too self depreciating. I cannot, as a black woman, continue to endorse such terms as the “b-word” or the more commonly known term for a commercial sex worker. Ironically, I cannot separate myself from that image of hip-hop/rap culture, because it has been engrained in me since I was born. I was born when it was hip-hop/rap was on an incline, climbing and becoming better with each song. So much of it, is who I am. Not to mention when I moved to Columbia from Smithfield, NC, moving from a rural area to a much more urban area, it became more of who I was. I love Rock and Alternative music culture and fit pretty well within the Emo culture. Jazz is a staple in my life, especially when it’s Miles D. Davis and John Coltrane. In addition, I love the NeoSoul movement so that makes me more unfit to mainstream culture. Obviously, I do not fit in well with the other peers, because I am too entrenched in Black culture, yet I don’t fit in well with Black culture because I am too entrenched with the other. I am a walking paradox.
It was an assignment for my Anthropology 580 class.
Decided to post because it is a part of me.
I identify myself as a Black female. I am a Christian. My highest level of education is a high school diploma, as I am pursuing an undergraduate degree. I consider my political background to be Independent, but I tend to lean toward conservative—both sides are too extreme for me, and I find that I value characteristics from both sides. I have two brothers, both a generation older than me, and a younger sister, who is also an undergraduate student pursuing a degree in History, concentration on Africana Studies. Both of my brothers are close to forty—the oldest one is thirty nine and the youngest one is thirty eight. I am next, at twenty two, followed by my sister who is twenty one.
When I first arrived to USC, after transferring from the great Bethune-Cookman College, I was not only nervous, but reluctant. I am not absolutely Afrocentric, but I do appreciate some to the values that I gained from going to a mostly Black institution. I came home to help my parents support themselves, leaving a full academic scholarship behind, that I knew that I had to go to summer school to keep. To me, helping my family was more important than graduating without debt. As I was transferring here, I believed that I would lose a lot of the identity that I had spent my first year of college building. The deep-seated character that I developed while I was struggling working, while earning a degree at B-CC. The understanding that the world did not look like B-CC—where black students could be students without the emphasis of being Black students. I gained drive and passion and I applied towards earning my degree; no one else could earn it for me, and I was now responsible for myself. However, USC did change me and it was not as bad as I initially thought. Through my tenure at this university, I have appreciated me as a black woman more, and I am now in a degree program that was not offered at my other school, Anthropology. I have learned about many different programs and opportunities that I may not have discovered at the significantly smaller institution.
My biggest worry when I transferred to USC was that some of my professors would view my intellectual capabilities through my color. Some of my professors thought that I could not perform on level because I often came to class not as alert as my other classmates. I did not help matters much because I was working more than one job, and might have come off as lazy to my professors—but I was tired. Often times I would take 18 credit hours because I know that I can be lazy—I can be stubborn also, so I knew that I would have to push myself harder than they ever could. Sometimes it paid off tremendously, and other times it hurt me more than it helped. Additionally, when we did those introduction classes, where we had to tell what high school we came from if we graduated from a school in the state, I often saw students and professors cringe when I told them that I graduated from C. A. Johnson. Admittedly, there are times when I just did not understand a subject; like in my English Grammar class. It focused on grammar rules that I did not learn in high school—but it still did not stop me from giving my best effort. Sometimes, your best simply is not good enough.
Compared to my black peers, I am significantly different. I do not always follow the black fashion trends or listen to the black music trends. Recently, I have completely stopped listening to current rap music. It was extremely difficult to do, considering my love of all music, but the music itself is too self depreciating. I cannot, as a black woman, continue to endorse such terms as the “b-word” or the more commonly known term for a commercial sex worker. Ironically, I cannot separate myself from that image of hip-hop/rap culture, because it has been engrained in me since I was born. I was born when it was hip-hop/rap was on an incline, climbing and becoming better with each song. So much of it, is who I am. Not to mention when I moved to Columbia from Smithfield, NC, moving from a rural area to a much more urban area, it became more of who I was. I love Rock and Alternative music culture and fit pretty well within the Emo culture. Jazz is a staple in my life, especially when it’s Miles D. Davis and John Coltrane. In addition, I love the NeoSoul movement so that makes me more unfit to mainstream culture. Obviously, I do not fit in well with the other peers, because I am too entrenched in Black culture, yet I don’t fit in well with Black culture because I am too entrenched with the other. I am a walking paradox.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
I NEED A JOB
Realistically, I am not going to find some wealthy person to finance my education. And the current job, as much as I hate it, needs to work me more, because I need the money...
I need to be saving. Period. Saving for when I travel to USC Aiken.
Saving for unexpected expenses.
Saving so that I can get something someday....
NEED A {another} JOB!!!!
I need to be saving. Period. Saving for when I travel to USC Aiken.
Saving for unexpected expenses.
Saving so that I can get something someday....
NEED A {another} JOB!!!!
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Today.
So, I finished my exams, I am ubertired, but I am blogging because I have been slacking...
But I really don't have anything to talk about.
There are world crises, but I can't blog about them either.
I am so tired of feeling my emotions. So tired of feeling pain.
But it's necessary. For everyone like me, there is someone to speak up for someone who is currently lacking the ability to speak for themselves. For every moment that I am selfish, someone suffers unjustly. Every time that I don't speak up for the speechless person, I am making not only them suffer, but also the people attempting to hold on to faith.
When you think about it, does it really pay to be selfish?
Just random thoughts.
But I really don't have anything to talk about.
There are world crises, but I can't blog about them either.
I am so tired of feeling my emotions. So tired of feeling pain.
But it's necessary. For everyone like me, there is someone to speak up for someone who is currently lacking the ability to speak for themselves. For every moment that I am selfish, someone suffers unjustly. Every time that I don't speak up for the speechless person, I am making not only them suffer, but also the people attempting to hold on to faith.
When you think about it, does it really pay to be selfish?
Just random thoughts.
So Sorry
I know I stated that I would post daily, but I forgot to account for my exams....
So for the last past two days I have been a walking memorizer....
Excited about Grey's....
Back to studying...
Hopefully I can post something thought provoking....
But it's not like anyone reads this anyway...
So for the last past two days I have been a walking memorizer....
Excited about Grey's....
Back to studying...
Hopefully I can post something thought provoking....
But it's not like anyone reads this anyway...
Sunday, September 20, 2009
So, it wasn't what I thought it was
I was overreacting. But the important thing is I got closure, I think. But I can move on, hopefully. Had some realizations after I talking with a friend. He had some good points, but after I thought about it, I realized that my deepest desire shouldn't be to find my soul mate, but to find and desire God.
That is all.
That is all.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Sadness
Women are emotional creatures. For the millionth time in my life I find myself hating Eve. Damn her for eating the fruit!
I miss my friend. But I guess that we will never be where we were. I hope one day that they forgive me. I know she's busy. I wish her great luck and success and pray for her.
I think that my ex took more out of me than I thought. I can't, won't accept any date offers ( or maybe they are just unacceptable). *sigh*
Seems like I have always tried so hard to fit in to places where I guess I don't belong. Maybe someone could love me and my many flaws.
Or maybe I should just get over myself.
Just got off of work, and hella sleepy, so goodnight..
I miss my friend. But I guess that we will never be where we were. I hope one day that they forgive me. I know she's busy. I wish her great luck and success and pray for her.
I think that my ex took more out of me than I thought. I can't, won't accept any date offers ( or maybe they are just unacceptable). *sigh*
Seems like I have always tried so hard to fit in to places where I guess I don't belong. Maybe someone could love me and my many flaws.
Or maybe I should just get over myself.
Just got off of work, and hella sleepy, so goodnight..
Thursday, September 17, 2009
25 Things about Me
1. I am a music lover. Everyone who knows me knows that. My parents gave me that gift.
2. I am a serious Outkast fan. I have all of their albums, even one that wasn’t released mainstream.
3. I read a lot. What else can I say about that?
4. I am really introverted. People only know the Bea that I want them to know. Only the people in the top five really know me.
5. I am loyal to a fault. I am true to people even when they do me dirty. I want to be able to turn it off, but you’d have to do something pretty drastic (or the same thing a million times) for me to hate you. But once I call you friend…. There are people on this list I would go to jail for and I haven’t had a real conversation with them for years.
6. I love to smell good. I won’t spend more than $50 for any article of clothing, but I have been known to drop $65, even $95 for perfume.
7. I hate: liars, cheaters, and fake people. These people only care about themselves. Even killers care about other people…
8. Cheesecake or pecan swirls--if you want anything from me, you can bribe me with those.
9. I seriously love blueberries. I would kill for a blueberry pop tart right now.
10. Contrary to popular belief, I am not really Afrocentric. I mean Africa is great and all, but that isn’t the reason I went bald (lol). I went natural because I wanted to be happy with who I was just the way God made me.
11. When I am criticized, it doesn’t affect me but only for a little while…because the harshest critic I have is myself.
12. If I had a billion dollars, there 5 people that would never work again. But everyone else I know would probably get a gift.
13. I write poetry not because I am Afrocentric, but because I am really good at writing.
14. I am the lightest, tallest, and heaviest of all my siblings. I also have more tattoos and piercings than they do. And more CDs…lol…
15. My desire to succeed is not my own, it came directly from God.
16. I love fashion…and I am the least fashionable person I know. I mean I don’t fit inside that world, but I do follow fashion news and different fashions.
17. I dress like a boy sometimes because their clothes are cheaper.
18. People say I mean mug a lot. I don’t have real drama in my life (other than family generated). My face is a bullshit deflector.
19. I have four tattoos and I had nine piercings. I’m done with piercings, (only five remain) but I still have six tattoos to go.
20. I secretly love country music…I am ashamed of that for some reason. I haven’t figured it out yet.
21. I am weird, but not too weird. To love me is to love me!
22. I love thinking, swimming, big dark skinned men, and Grey’s Anatomy in no particular order.
23. My baby sister is the only person close to knowing everything about me.
24. I can easily feel the pain that other people feel. When we were little, I couldn’t stay in the house when my little sister got whippings, because it would be like getting beat twice or getting beat for something I didn’t do.
25. I love Mickey Mouse.
2. I am a serious Outkast fan. I have all of their albums, even one that wasn’t released mainstream.
3. I read a lot. What else can I say about that?
4. I am really introverted. People only know the Bea that I want them to know. Only the people in the top five really know me.
5. I am loyal to a fault. I am true to people even when they do me dirty. I want to be able to turn it off, but you’d have to do something pretty drastic (or the same thing a million times) for me to hate you. But once I call you friend…. There are people on this list I would go to jail for and I haven’t had a real conversation with them for years.
6. I love to smell good. I won’t spend more than $50 for any article of clothing, but I have been known to drop $65, even $95 for perfume.
7. I hate: liars, cheaters, and fake people. These people only care about themselves. Even killers care about other people…
8. Cheesecake or pecan swirls--if you want anything from me, you can bribe me with those.
9. I seriously love blueberries. I would kill for a blueberry pop tart right now.
10. Contrary to popular belief, I am not really Afrocentric. I mean Africa is great and all, but that isn’t the reason I went bald (lol). I went natural because I wanted to be happy with who I was just the way God made me.
11. When I am criticized, it doesn’t affect me but only for a little while…because the harshest critic I have is myself.
12. If I had a billion dollars, there 5 people that would never work again. But everyone else I know would probably get a gift.
13. I write poetry not because I am Afrocentric, but because I am really good at writing.
14. I am the lightest, tallest, and heaviest of all my siblings. I also have more tattoos and piercings than they do. And more CDs…lol…
15. My desire to succeed is not my own, it came directly from God.
16. I love fashion…and I am the least fashionable person I know. I mean I don’t fit inside that world, but I do follow fashion news and different fashions.
17. I dress like a boy sometimes because their clothes are cheaper.
18. People say I mean mug a lot. I don’t have real drama in my life (other than family generated). My face is a bullshit deflector.
19. I have four tattoos and I had nine piercings. I’m done with piercings, (only five remain) but I still have six tattoos to go.
20. I secretly love country music…I am ashamed of that for some reason. I haven’t figured it out yet.
21. I am weird, but not too weird. To love me is to love me!
22. I love thinking, swimming, big dark skinned men, and Grey’s Anatomy in no particular order.
23. My baby sister is the only person close to knowing everything about me.
24. I can easily feel the pain that other people feel. When we were little, I couldn’t stay in the house when my little sister got whippings, because it would be like getting beat twice or getting beat for something I didn’t do.
25. I love Mickey Mouse.
So, Welcome
I decided to create this blog because no one, really reads my other one. I guess that means that I am socially awkward or something...*shrugs*
This one is to let people know my feelings, since the other one was really created for music....
But I will be able to update on my emotions daily.
You are welcome.
Requiem,
Socially Irrelevant
This one is to let people know my feelings, since the other one was really created for music....
But I will be able to update on my emotions daily.
You are welcome.
Requiem,
Socially Irrelevant
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