Fears Actualized

I feared that with all my might I would become a product of the environment that I grew up in.

Sadly, I did.

I have bad credit. Seriously bad credit. And I don't know where to begin to fix it.

The strange part about it, since I was sixteen, I have never been without a job for more than two months.

And now I am working a full time and a part time, just to make ends meet. Did I mention that I am college student taking 18 credit hours?

I swore to myself that I wouldn't be that person who couldn't pay their bills.

But I am that person.

I don't know what to do.

In addition to that, I am still lonely. I feel like there is no one that I can talk to about who Bea really is.

No one.

I feel like I am drowning in a sea, with no hope for rescue. And I can't even take out a credit card to see a psychologist--I have horrible credit and no health insurance.

The best part about it is, I am writing in oblivion, because no one reads my blog.

Crap. I am not even interesting on the internet.

I want to yell, scream out, someone help me. But I can't. No one loves me that much. I feel like I am trapped in a bubble of stress, fatigue, and worry, and I have no one, to help me make sense of this mess.

I am in desperate need of help. I just want to end it all--the pain, the anxiety, the worry, the guilt, the everything.

How am I supposed to continue living when it feels like my life has come to an abrupt stop, but I am still moving?

How can I continue to hold on, when I have been holding on my entire life?

When is it supposed to get better?

When does grief end?

Bumble.