Updates....

It's been a while. I have been knocked down quite a few times, and honestly, I'm not sure I can come up swinging anymore. I am simply tired. And I don't know if I have a right to be. People before me have had it harder, yet I am failing, while people think that I am successful. I do not see it that way though, because I am not where I want to be, and I am not sure that I will get to where I want to be.

In other news, I have begun writing again, but it is simply out of frustration and desperation. I am on the very last thread of hope before I give up...pretty much everything. I never expected life to be easy. A person with my background knows better. But I never imagined it would be this hard. I'm not on some woe is me kick though, simply because whiners, including when it is myself, get on my nerves. I am just going to accept things as they are and hanker down. That's pretty much all I've got left to give.

My sister told me recently that she says things to deliberately hurt people. While I am no saint, I wonder what it is that I have done that could have hurt her so badly. Because she is seriously killing what little confidence that I have left. I apologize. That was whining. Again.

Well anyway, I am trying to find two jobs. I have a life time goal that is simple for so many, but for various reasons, will be complicated for me--owning a home. I just want a space that I can call my own, that no one can take from me. A place where I can paint and build to my specifications. A place that is a space uniquely for Bea. That is what my next goals are. That and figuring out how to repay this student debt that is looming over me as if I am a pig on a butcher's chopping block. But I won't count my woes until they hatch, so to speak.

I have a five year plan, that I made more than a year ago. And I am already behind. I have to work it out though, find a way to curb my impulses, and just work it all out.

Any way, that is it. I am still alive, and some days, that is a major accomplishment. That I simply made it until the end of the day.

Until next time (but I never know when)...

Peace and blessings
Bea

Updates....Both Good and Bad

Hello out there.

I am writing today because I figured it was time for updates, you know since it's been five months since I've last written.

First, I got a new job in June, and I'm still working there. I am an entry processor for DHL, and although it has been interesting learning, I still have a ways to go. I kind of like it, but I don't know about for long term. I'm still deciding what to do with my life honestly, so it could go either way.

I now own an iPad...which maybe good news, or I might be turning into a mindless drone...here's hoping that I'm not...

Still no active relationship...though I've tried...ended pretty badly.

I would like to think that I've made some new friends, but I don't know. It is difficult for me to let people get close, as so many have let me down. I like to think of myself as courageous  but honestly, I am also very cautious. I don't like to be hurt, so I actively avoid pain. (So maybe I am a reckless coward or a cautious brave person?)

Speaking of which, someone, who I thought knew me, who I had let in, hurt me recently. The messed up part? I didn't know how much I'd let her in until I was sitting there with my face cracked and my heart broken from the blow she'd dealt me. In addition, the person who hurt me was my best friend, and I discovered two important things about her: 1) she didn't know me, and most importantly 3) she really didn't know me.

I mean she was supposed to be my person, yet a few days later, she'd actually thought that I had made a comment about her on Facebook. Me who guards her privacy to a degree that I tell people little stuff about me so that they don't realize that they don't ever actually get to the big stuff. I hide myself from people so that they don't realize that they don't know me. Me, who gives stuff to people because it is way easier than giving myself. (That is not to say that I'm not a genuine giver, but people who can be distracted by things, justifies my need for caution.) I would never put my business on Facebook for one (which is kind of ironic given this blog, but notice that there is no real detail ;) ), and for two, I am a direct female. If I have an issue with you--Facebook, he/she said, etc, is not the route I go. I go directly to the source of my issue. Yet she thought that I would bring her out on Facebook.

I've told her things that I have never told anyone else, except for my sister. I trusted my dreams, the essence of who I am with her, thinking that she was the person God sent to me to be my guard, sister not of blood. With her I didn't hide, and she doesn't know me. That cut me more than I can say. She said it was because I wasn't communicating with her. Dude, you broke my heart. How am I supposed to communicate that?

Honestly though, I forgave her, whether she believes I did or didn't is on her. But she doesn't really know who I am. Her former sister in law, who has known me a significantly less amount of time than she has, knows me better than she. This person, who I know all of her quirks, including the name of her childhood teddy bear doesn't know me.

I'm numb. Not only because of that situation, but because my mother said something to me that she could never take back. As I mentioned, I don't really have anyone to talk to, just to get it off my chest with. I mean I could talk to my sister, but she would want to ask questions and provide advice, which is not what I need. So today I blog because the pain has to come out somehow, and I can't really express it any other way. It fraking hurts, and truthfully, everyday the load gets lighter, but it is still heavy.


I've forgiven them both. I'm trying to erase it from my mind, but it has to be exercised somehow. I need to free myself somehow before I do something, or say something really stupid. Because in spite of everything done and said, I don't want to hurt them. I don't want them to feel the pain I currently feel right now. So I am silent, because I don't trust myself not to lash out on them. I am silent, because I am still human, a person who is hurting, who is in danger of hurting people she loves. I am silent, because if I breathe a word of my real pain, it will unleash pains past and present.

So, silent, because it is not only easier but necessary.

Anyway, that's pretty much it.

Bea

It has been a long while since I have posted. I have been working on graduate studies for the past two years, and I am almost finished. I just have my fieldwork experience and the actual thesis writing. I think I will be applying for graduation next semester. I thought I would be able to blog regularly, or at least frequently, but life has a funny way of throwing curveballs in a straight up baseball game.

What do I mean?

Well, I have been unemployed for a year now. I have been working since I was sixteen, with few breaks in unemployment. The jobs that are here in Columbia, I am either 1) overqualified for or 2) under qualified for. I wish that I had a career, and hopefully it will change soon, because Lord knows what I am going to do.

Besides the unemployment though, I've still been blessed. It's amazing really, when I think about it. I don't deserve it, but it happens anyway. God truly does look out for his sheep. The shepherd never fails to provide, even when I don't think he's moving fast enough for my tastes.

Still waiting on love though, but that is okay. He will be along when it is time for him, and not before then.

Well anyway, I hope you are doing well out there.
Peace and blessings,
Bea

Hmm...Crossroads. Which Direction to choose?

I honestly thought once I got a degree, I would somehow be transformed into a valuable being. I've never considered myself beautiful, and there is not much that I care about except for being valued for my intelligence. Problematically, in college you learn that there are so many different types of intelligences, and you are one of the many people who have unique gifts.

I'd like to think I have unique gifts, and I'd like to think I know myself well enough to know what those gifts are. Yet, I still haven't found the what I would believe would be the correct path for me.

I don't know which direction to turn to. I don't know where to go.

I wish I wasn't such a morbid personality.

My sister says my boyfriends are my books.

And apparently, I have an exceptional gift for randomness.

Point of this post is, when you don't have many options, which road do you take?

Well I read a lot, so I thought I might share some series

Hey all,

I read a lot. I mean a lot, a lot. I average 3 books a day and 15-21 books a week. Seriously. I've been a reader since I was a kid, and yes I do fit the bookworm stereotype (but I like to think that I am a cool nerd). I thought I might share some of the series that I have read and will continue to read as they are released. Though I love Black authors, I do also read paranormal romances (vamps, weres, ghouls, and fae, and otherworldly creatures) and historical romances (British nobility and the old west), and I thought I might share. Below you will find a list of some authors and series that you can read by visiting your local library or snagging them from your local bookstore. No, I rarely lend my books, and only those who share books in return, so you have to get your own. I will only do a few, and post more authors later! There are links to their websites through their names, so check them out!

J. R. Ward
This lady writes a series that I have read and currently waiting on the release of the next book on 03/29/11 called the Black Dagger Brotherhood. Trust me, these aren't your average sparkly vamps (Sorry to my Twilight fans out there, because after all, I do enjoy the movies). My favorites vamps in the series are Vishous and Zsadist, (I freaking love them) and all the vamps stories are positively action packed, lust and love filled, and contains humor and danger. In short, I love it!

She also writes the Fallen Angel series, which is also distantly connected to the BDB, and I love that series as well.

Christine Feehan
She writes four series that I absolutely love in paranormals. Yes one is about Vamps who are called the Carpathians, another is about Were-Jaguars, one is about super government soliders called the Ghosthunters, and the final one is about magical sisters called the Drakes. I highly recommend you read them. The Carpathians series has A LOT of books, so you should get started soon! I would go into detail about them, but all you have to do is google the authors to find out more!

Lora Leigh
This lady writes about ultra sexy Were-creatures who are called the Breeds, and uber sexy soldiers who are renegades called the Elite-OPS, and as well as the sexually adventurous Nauti Boys and their friends and families. If you are looking for a steamy read, look no further than this diva!

Gena Showalter
A friend of mine introduced me to this author, and I have to say, she writes the most wonderful of paranormal books! She has several series (and I am into mostly all of them). Lords of the Underworld, Alien Huntress Series, the Atlantis Series, and the Intertwined Series are all wonderful reads! I suggest you buy them all!

Larissa Ione
Now, I am only aware of one series by this author, and I must say, if I am posting this, it is well worth the read. It's called the Demonica Series, and I suggest you read all of them!


That is it for now, and I will share more authors with you guys later (hopefully tomorrow or Monday).

Peace and Blessings
Bumble

Merry Christmas Baby!

I would first and foremost like to say Merry Christmas to all, and I hope you are enjoying your holiday. May God continue to bless you and yours.

My sister cooked today, and the meal was awesome. We are doing the traditional thing and listening to old music, and she's dipped to spend time with her other family.

Now for the original reason for posting.

I am posting to remind people of the other blog, which I neglected for a year, which can be found by clicking here. It was the first time I'd updated in almost a year (I know serious neglect, I should go to jail for blog abuse, lol). Read it if you wish, I will most definitely try and post more frequently, on both, but there are no promises, because after all there are books to read and sleep to be had.

I have been working my new job for about two months, but only have three days in the actual system, and a lot of questions are rolling around in my mind, but I'm sure I will make it or find another job. But I will post about that later.


Merry Christmas!
Peace and Blessings
Bumble

Be Black or Be White, No More Shades of Gray

I'm struggling at the moment. I'm trying to understand. God made me a music lover, but recently, I've been questioning whether or not Christians should listen to secular music. I'm struggling so hard. There are people who believe that you can, and people who believe that you can't. I don't know anymore. I know I believe in Christ, but I don't know if I am a Christian anymore. I talk to God, I get no response. As much as I believe that I am a Christian, I want to be able to walk in the spirit, and have open communication with God. But I am failing to do so. I believe I am opening myself up to God, but I must be doing something wrong. Like all people, I don't believe that I'm a bad person. But I don't know if something is wrong with me. I'm just struggling to find me and God. Anybody out there know how that feels?

So I'm Writing

Currently, I'm writing two stories (although I am working on one more than the other), one is a paranormal romance (or the romance of the other world i.e. vamps, werecreatures, people/cyborgs/humanoids from the future, etc), and a Christian fiction novel. Yes, I realize that these two are on complete opposites of the spectrum (well they are far apart, but not necessarily complete opposites), but I happen to enjoy writing both. One of the stories kinda cuts me to the quick, so I'm trying to prepare myself as I write.

Hopefully, I will get this job soon. A job with benefits would do me a lot of good. Seriously. I haven't had a dental cleaning since I was in the 10th grade....7 years ago. Before then, I'd never had one. It's amazing what you take for granted, after all, who wants to go see a dentist besides me?

That's it for now,

Peace and Blessings,
Bumble

It has been a while

So I am back! A few updates: First, I am a grad student in an Ethnomusicology program. What is Ethnomusicology? Glad you asked! First, in short, it is the anthropology of music. What that means is, ethnomusicologists study music, culture, and is contents. I have completely put aside medical school ambitions, as it made me more than unhappy. I would be lying if I said that I didn't want to be a medical doctor, but it just isn't for me, at this time. Eventually, if God permits, it may happen. At the moment, however, I am currently focusing on being the best ethnomusicology grad student I can possibly be.

Still trying to find a professional career, however, because even grad students have bills. And for those of us who botched our undergrad career, we have to work harder to support ourselves. I know I can manage it. After all, if I can work 4 part-time jobs, and still manage to graduate from a university, one professional job and grad school is possible.

Working on me. Learning to understand just who Bea is. After 23 years, it's appalling how much that I don't know about her, and she changes for the better everyday, so it makes a little bit harder to find out exactly who she is. But it's okay though. She's isn't lost, she's just waiting on her time to shine!

Well, that is pretty much it. I will post as soon as something more interesting happens in my life besides discovering books. Until then,

Peace and Blessings,

Bumble.

Repost

This is an older post from my other blog that I neglected...

There are days like today when I question my moral fiber. My threads, at best, are frayed and discolored. Sometimes, they are transient and unconnected. Rarely, are those threads completely collective and definite. But how often is it that we examine ourselves? Is it only when the presence of alcohol is clouding our mind? Or is it when we are wounded by life? How often do we examine ourselves microscopically?

Fiber, more than the dietary supplement we need daily to survive—it is essentially, what makes us tick—who we are. Fiber is the difference between a thief and a judge—realistically, only one thread separates them.

One thread can make the difference between Jordan and unknown, MJJ and nobody. What separates us is how we bind our threads. So when the threads become frayed—cut them off. It sounds much easier than it is—cutting off damaged pieces of yourself is often painful; they are apart of you—but it is essential step in the process called growth.

That's it for now.

Peace and Blessings
BUMBLE!!!

Forgotten Lessons from Hymns

Remember when you were a child what was the very first hymn you learned?

When I was a child, it was This Little Light of Mine. Unconsciously, I learned a very important lesson that day that would not remember until 15 years later....That's right...today, as a 23 year old, this important lesson just dawned on me as I was thinking about my future (hopefully I will be able to reveal that tidbit later).

What is that lesson? Think on the lyrics: 'This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine/ This little light of mine, I'm going to let it shine/This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine/ let it shine, let it shine, let it shine/Everywhere I go....

Got it yet? Well have no fear, just patience, it will be revealed soon.

There is a familiar quote that everyone knows, maybe not word for word, but enough to know the severity of it's meaning:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, georgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually who are we not to be? You are the child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And as we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

~ Marianne Williamson.

Today, I realized we were given this tool for our own very souls. I was thinking about the importance of spirituals and hymns today, actually worrying that we are losing the meanings and lessons that they taught. We were taught at an early age "This Little Light of Mine" for a reason. It was a contract; it was a proclamation to that we would be the best people that we can be. Furthermore, it was a declaration that we recognized that we each have gifts, even if we did not know what those gifts were. How often do we think on that contract? You signed it. Yes you did. I know I did, because after I learned it, I wouldn't stop singing it. Even when I physically stopped singing it, my mind and soul kept singing that song.

Think about your contract. Are the terms met in full? Are they still being negotiated? Or has it come up null and void?

Think about other hymns that you have learned. One that comes to mind is "What a Friend We Have in Jesus" 'What a Friend we have in Jesus/ all our sins and griefs to bear!/What a privilege to carry/ everything to God in prayer!/O what peace we often forfeit/O what needless grief we bear/All because we do not carry/everything to God in prayer.'

There was a lesson in this as well--we might have ignored it, and might even feel a bit silly when we recognize that lesson there. We carry things that we need not because God is our refuge and our strong tower, and we should give it all to him, but do we? (Go ahead and shake your head no, you know that you've carried things that you shouldn't have because you were too stubborn to give it to God.) And if you aren't waving your hand in testimony at this point, I am waving my own hand at this one...

Peace and Blessings,

Bumble.

Magnolias Pt. 1

I originally wrote this in 2009.

I believe that it's appropriate to post now because of something I saw posted about me on Twitter.

I am bitter, becoming more and more callous, more and more masculine, while attempting to hold to on to my femininity. I’ve have become sir instead of ma’am because I look like my daddy and don’t possess a feminine voice. Deep inside, I wish that I was beautiful, but being who I am, it’s not possible, and the fact that possess a deep voice and my daddy’s face doesn’t help much. I want to dress like a girl, but I can’t afford it. Hell, have you seen the price of jeans in Lane Bryant? And to listen to other females say, well can’t you shop somewhere else?

No, the clothes don’t fit. Would you rather my behind be out too?

Well you could at least stop buying boy clothes, that’s why they think you are a man.

Well, boy clothes are cheaper, and what do you want me to wear a muumuu? Really? fuel the fire?

And contrary to those who are thinking well maybe you should just push yourself away from the table, believe it or not I’ve starved myself, tried sports, and darn near killed myself with the every pill imaginable, even though evidence before you looks to the contrary.

Up until I was twenty, I prayed every night that I would fit in, that I wouldn’t be this big, praying that the Lord would hear my cries and take pity on me, because I didn’t know what else to do.
Walking around, praying that nobody noticed the moving house that was traveling around to the places that they were. Even though both prayers were impossible, I continued them.

Lord, please, if you love one ounce of me, please let me be able to walk past people without them staring or hearing them go 'Damn, what they hell has she been eating, other people?'
And Lord, please, I don’t know what else to do, can you please just take some of this off me?

When that didn’t work, I resorted to trying to drown myself, and when that didn’t work, the day before my college graduation at 22, I sat with my stepfather’s pistol and contemplated suicide, almost pulled the trigger, but because we lived in a hotel, the housekeeper saved my life, and to this day, she still doesn’t know it.

I figured death was a simple alternative to the obvious stares and whispers and gawking.

Hell my life was tough enough without people judging me every second of the day.

Now, today, see I fancy myself like a magnolia—the seed that produces the flower that blooms isn’t the prettiest thing I’ve ever saw, in fact, it’s quite hideous. But what comes out of it is pure and represents the beauty of God—even though the shell is that great, but still it grows into a beautiful flower even though what it comes from doesn’t look like much.

Naw, I am not over all my hang ups, but darnit, since I can’t change anything, I will have fun with it.

When people call me sir, I won’t correct them, instead, I’ll sashay away from them and let them form their own thoughts,

When people point and whisper, I will hold my head high, and hope that they can see me walking, instead of trying to hide.

Who was I kidding tiptoeing around areas and trying to hide like no one would notice me? And since I am hard to miss, I’ll go out of my way and make sure people notice me so that they can bask in my glow, or when I recognize them from previous gawking encounters, stare and them and help them to understand how uncomfortable they made me, and them maybe, we can stop the discrimination of people’s lives….hell do you think I jumped up and decided one day that I wanted to be as big as I am?

Magnolias, Pt. 2

Magnolias Part 2
For Tia, Jovon, Stephanie, Tomika, Jihan, and Shantal

We stood and watched, as our family’s hopes and dreams rested heavily on our shoulders,

We bared burdens so great that even we didn’t fathom the affect it would have on us

We had to go to college.

See for some of y’all, this isn’t anything great—it’s something you do after high school, no need to worry about your future, because somehow it’s going to all work out

While we struggled and worked two and three jobs just to feed ourselves, waking up early, going to sleep late at night—really no time to study, but somehow through the grace of God, making decent enough grades—not the grades we are capable of, but they ones that show that we are actually smarter than most, because we are making these grades off of pure talent, because like I said we don’t have time to study

We began to wonder why on earth did he choose us?

We watched and listened as rich kids complained about the quality of education that they were receiving or how their mom and dad didn’t get them the car they wanted

Meanwhile, me and my crew were struggling for gas, just so that we could make it to class—we couldn’t afford to live on campus, and couldn’t afford to life off campus, and homelessness wasn’t an option, so we moved into apartments we couldn’t afford, because we have to have a place to lay our heads right?

Some days we entered class so tired, we could barely hold our heads up, yet we managed to participate in lecture—even though our stomachs were growling from hunger.

Struggling for food was an understatement. For some of us, there were times that we couldn’t even afford a pack of Ramen noodles because that bill, that has to be paid, is due

For others of us, familial obligations often interfered with what we were trying to accomplish—for some family included the ones they’d birthed, for others it was the family they were born into

For the rest of us, some combination…funny, some of the same people who we thought we encouraging us, secretly hoped we’d fail, so when we called out for help, the ignored our call and left us hanging, only to find that they would soon need us more than we needed them

Our destinies were chosen for us—we had to be better than those who came before us, because future generations depended on us to break the curses that lied on each of our individual families, even though they’d fed us to the wolves with no tools, we had to come up with something, from nothing

Hope. One simple world that launched each of us into cataclysmic shock—reaching for what was just out of reach for the others that came before us

Reality. Hope leads to faith. But faith without works is dead, and we damn near killed ourselves for your and our dreams.

Questioning Destiny-Yet Again

How often do we stop and think about how a simple action can change our lives? I was reading a book, and it reminded me, once again, how something microscopic can result in a change so large that we can't discover it's origins.

It's one of the most humbling thoughts I've ever had...

Every time I think of destiny, I'm reminded of this image--Dropping a rock in a pond.

Destiny is of our own choosing. The complex thing is, for Christians, we have to live and recognize that even though we have destiny, God's will overrides our destiny.

Confused? How do you think I feel?

What if there is a question that goes unasked that could change the world?

What if there is an action that is not followed?

Am I a defeatist? I'm just examining my mind.

There are times when I am completely aware that my choice of action (there is no such thing as non action, because if you chose not to act, you are actively not acting) will affect the rest of my life, but what of those times that seem so minor to us?

That is all for now,

Peace and Blessings
Bumble

Old Poem

I wrote this for a class, Advanced poetry. I learned that I wasn't as talented as I thought I was, because it was extremely difficult for me to retain form. I suspect it's because I either am a rebel or I suck.

But here it is:

Arctic Queen

Cold as ice—frozen for eternity—caught in a land of despair,
I am lost in emotion, senseless, a deadened quaking occurs—
I’m shattered like glass. Weighted with jaded memories of you
bound to you — my soul tied to you by a rope of ceaseless love.

Where am I? How did I get here? How much time has passed?
Icicles hang where my heart used to be. It pumps ice fire.
Someone take a torch to my heart and sear it like steak.
Set a blaze inside my veins, pump, and clog my core. Make

Sure it’s hot enough to unthaw my heart— make my blood boil.
Troubles burden my mind—insanity arises like heat in July.
It triggers my body to quiver, vibrate, thunder, then explode—
black snowflakes swim in a blue current—my arteries die.

The next breath is ragged as a rusted piece of broken steel.
Severed from the world, eternally, with no ability to feel.

Excerpt From Controlling Destiny

I've just started writing this. I knew it was meant to be, because it came directly from my soul--and some boredom. Well anyway, here it is. Tell me what you think.

Her body was tone from the hell she put it through. She worked hard to fight the fat that once plagued her body. She had managed to lose 150 of the pounds that used to harass her body. It wasn’t enough. She fought daily to fight the remaining 50 she would have to lose. The doctors told her she should be 180 pounds to be healthy, but the last 50 were hell to melt off. She would give her right arm for some pistachio ice cream, but then she would feel guilty and add another hour to her already intense work out. Never again would she be known as a big girl. He loved that about you. She suppressed the thought by working hard. He nearly destroyed her; he took her heart, put it into a meat grinder, and laughed at the ground meat that once loved him faithfully. He destroyed the hopeless romantic, and left a cold, heartless witch. Twenty more minutes left. She punished her body for her thought of him.

After the workout, she grabbed a bottle of water from the refrigerator, and drank slow. After she finished, she headed toward the shower. Her body ached with satisfaction as she walked toward her room. She removed her workout clothes, folded them, and placed them in her dirty clothes bin. Her room was pristine; she kept it tidy, because it was one of the things she could control in her life. There wasn’t a spec of dust to be found anywhere, yet she new she would begin to clean the room again when she got out of the shower. She walked to her linen closet, removed a towel and two washcloths, a white one for her face and a brown one for her body. She walked over to the full-length mirror and inspected her body, as she always did right before the shower. She mentally picked the places that she needed to work on, as she made a list of exercises that she would need to focus on to make them better. She walked toward the shower; she turned on the hot water, full blast, and added a little cold water. As the steam rose, she felt relief. The shower was her space. It was one space where she and God could connect. The water seemingly melted her pains and troubles away as she talked with God. She lathered the soap and began to wash her body, and as the soap slithered off her body, the pains and troubles she felt in her body, mind, and soul washed off as the soap gathered around the drain.

Her body was completely at peace. She waited. She never left the shower until she had her talk with God. Hello daughter. Are you ready to face what you are running from? It was the beginning of every conversation she had with God. She knew she couldn’t make excuses, and what was the point of lying to the one who knew the count of every hair on your head? She knew she didn’t know herself that well. So she answered honestly. No. I don’t think I will ever be ready Lord. I keep telling myself that I am turning over to you, but I can’t let go. And I’m tired of lying to myself. I keep holding on, and I can’t figure out why. Lord, I don’t want to hurt anymore, but I don’t want to face the brunt of what I feel either. So I deny that I feel anything. And I attempt to self-control it by taking it out on my body. But I know that you already know that. I’m trying to control what I can’t control. I’m insane right? She sighed. Here in the shower, she could be weak. She could cry, she could scream, and she could be whatever she needed to be. She waited for her response. She continued to wash meticulously. She needed to make sure she got every spec of dirt to be found on her body. You know, it’s not that hard to turn it over to me. Why is it so hard for you to just let go and let me take care of it? She sighed again. How many times had she asked herself that same question? Furthermore, he already knew that, and he knew that she knew. And he knew the answer to the question that she didn’t. I wish I knew. I don’t know how to let go. She paused. She did a mental checklist—what parts hadn’t she washed well? She couldn’t recall. She began again. Daughter, you would do well to remember that you can only heal when you turn it over to me. After you finish washing, reread Proverbs 3:5-6. She sighed again. It wasn’t a disrespectful sigh, but a knowing sigh. Everyday for the past ten years, those scriptures had been the end of their conversation. She had memorized it. But apparently didn’t understand it.

Peace and Blessings,

Bumble

More Random Thoughts

One thing I am constantly learning--genius is relative to a person's experiences to life. To a hustler, a genius is a person who can make the most money, in the quickest time, and without consequence. To a photographer, genius is seeing beauty through a lens, and being able to catch that genius at the perfect time, in the perfect light. To a musician, genius can be one chord that sticks out in the music or even a phrasing performed; a complicated melody or a simple riff. Point is, calling something or someone genius is relative--it's usually not universally accepted concept.

Most people think of genius as something that is accomplished, but rarely is it seen as the gift you were born with. On one level, I believe that each person is born with a gift that makes him or her a genius in their own right. However, we don't see it as such. We may even admit that the person is gifted, but we choose not to see it as genius that it is. Can we do what the "gifted" person does?--certainly. Can we do it as well?--probably not.

How can this feeling Be Real?

I am trying so hard to push past this hollow feeling...give it all up and trust in God. I've been reading for the past two days non stop because I don't want to think about my situation. I have always been a take charge kinda gal, and it is one of the hardest thing I've ever done.

The problem is, the moment I start reading, my situation pops in my mind. I get scared, and I feel like the weight of the world rests on my shoulders. I begin to hurt so badly.

Sometimes I have a hard time believing that a God who loves me could put me through this kind of pain.

I don't understand what I did to deserve this.

I am aware that uncomfortable situations are a significant part of growth, but it seems to me that my life has been a rollercoaster of pain, sorrow, fear, tension, self-doubt, self-pity, self-loathing, and no self confidence with few fleeting moments of joy.

I do my best to hold on to those moments, the moments where God showed up and showed out in a mighty way.

But its hard to keep those moments in mind when life continuously refuses to offer you solace.

I am so tired.

I mean beyond tired.

I'm struggling more and more to hold on.

I'm trying so hard to trust him.

Peace and Blessings
Bumble.

ONE OF THEM DAYS....

...Where nothing seems to work out right. I swear, I want to slap everybody! And the worst part of it all is that I'm still in the midst of my trial. I am so flustered right now, all I can do is pray that I don't do anything stupid.

I'm hurting so bad right now. I feel like if I drove off a cliff, I would be in less pain. I'm hurting so bad right now that it hurts to cry. You know how hard it is to be in pain and can't cry? And to think there are people in this world going through much worse than I. I can't understand how they deal with it outside of God.

Right now, dark thoughts are rising in my mind, and I am so close to acting them out, it's not even funny. I am completely broken now. Nothing much else I can do but get it over with.

I'm so ready give up. I'm tired of hurting. Tired of pain. Tired of people treating me like excrement. I'm so sick of living I don't know what to do....

Well I got some ideas, but they aren't good.

I'm being honest.

Peace and Blessings,

Bumble.

Hi: I'm Bumble, and I May Be...

...a hot mess. Today when I was sitting in Chemistry, the strangest thing occurred. My "emotions" went uber crazy.

Now anyone who knows me, knows that I admit to being celibate. But it has been one of the greatest struggles of my Christian walk.

Lord knows, I do not want to go to hell because I couldn't control my urges.

I'm thinking about seeing a counselor, because prayer hasn't been very effective for me, at least in this area... and each time, I feel that I am a step closer than I was to falling back into old habits--the "friends" routine.

Don't get it twisted. I wasn't promiscous having multiple random "friends".

But something is very wrong with me.

I'm honestly thinking of talking to a counselor....

WHAT DO I DO?