Repost From Other Blog

I decided to repost this blog entry, because I thought it was a pretty good one from my other blog that I turned into a music blog that I don't really keep up with Bumble, Busy, Honey, Killer--It's Still Just Bea. I thought it was rather good.....

Monday, August 10, 2009

Sometimes Vacations Aren't What They Seem

Hello all,

It has been a while since I have suffered from insomnia. Oddly enough, it decided to resurface when I am supposed to be relaxing...That's right on vacation. Maybe it's because I am uberexcited to see one of my best friends that I haven't seen in a year.

I have been thinking more than usual, and I haven't had time to type because summer classes are extremely consuming. But they will erupt in an extremely long post. Hope that you can go the distance :).

I believe that there are times in our lives when we question our very existence. We go through and question our purpose, our next breath, even our next blink. Through these methods do we determine who we are going to be?

How do we decide who we are going to be?

Some say they always knew that they wanted to be such and such, but do they ever question how or why?

I decided that who I wanted to be was a doctor. I have made many errors on this journey, but I have decided that I would give it my all to make this dream become a reality, but what if my all isn't good enough? Do I make a plan B?

All my life, I have worried. Worried that I wasn't liked, or that I am not pretty enough, or not smart enough, or that I lack what it takes to make my dreams come true. I worry every second of every day, like life isn't already hard enough. I am a type A person.

When I was in the eighth grade, I read Langston Hughes most famous poem Dream Deferred. That simple poem questions what happens to those dreams that we do not pursue. But we all know what happens to those of us who lack the ability to be fit enough to survive.

Life is the cruelest teacher. The most metaphorically used statement about life. Probably because it is the undisputed truth. Life takes no prisoners, doesn't discriminate, and whips everyone. Life beats you if you are right and beats you if you are wrong. Point blank period.

Examine a broken person. Look around bus stops and near the local homeless shelters. Look when you are at a stop light. On your job. Hell look in your church. Every where there are broken people. You will know them. They are distinctive. They may live, but the piece of their soul that is missing because they couldn't survive life's pitfalls, calls out to your soul if you are searching for it. It will change you.

Recently, because of my car accident, I have been examining the souls of the broken. I looked and saw something that burned my soul. To watch someone live without a piece of themselves is utter torture--so it is almost unimaginable that these people continue carry one. If they laid down and died, I couldn't blame them. All I wanted to do is help them, give them a piece of whatever they lost back. But even if I could, the scars that they suffered and bare would still be deeper that the deepest depth I could ever create a simile for. But how is it possible to help a person find a piece of themselves that they've lost to living?

In that instance, I believe that only God could heal those wounds. Watching the broken, I saw something that disturbed me so greatly. I saw something extremely familiar....pain. I cringed when I saw through these people's eyes and saw their nakedness. The worst part of it all--I worried if they saw mine. The shell of who I am and who I am becoming. I cringed at the thought that I could end up in that kind of pain. I couldn't live with myself if I failed to become who I wanted to become. I realize God is who he is, and his will trumps mine. But God wouldn't allow me to make those dreams if there weren't anyway that I could accomplish them. That would be cruel of Him.

I couldn't walk around broken like that. Life can be a doosey sometimes. Pains can erupt any time, place, or date. But living constantly in that kind of pain would be unbearable.

So, faith, as my pastor said one sermon, is an action word. The time has come for me to proverbially put my money where my mouth is and put up or shut up.

I guess you know what that means.

Peace and Blessings
BUMBLE!!!